He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
We named our party play list daddy issues
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
