We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Your dad touched me again.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
