You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
