I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
