smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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