Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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