and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Randomize
