So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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