running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
