Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
