My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
