The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
