I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
