His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
