Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
