Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
