Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
The beer is more important than you right now.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
