im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
