Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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