I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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