he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize
