someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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