So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
