Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
