I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize