Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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