My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
