there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
