I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
