ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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