I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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