in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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