I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
just tell him i said nine months
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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