When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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