Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
