the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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