never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Randomize