Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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