forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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