nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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