im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
