Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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