If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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