i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
