I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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