someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Randomize
