I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
