i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
