so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
It's Friday. Sex?
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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