When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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