im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
