I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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