I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
