The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
