im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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