I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize