So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
it's great music for shaving your balls
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
