she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
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