its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Randomize