Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
