how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize