I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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