You just made me feel so damn special
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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