there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
