I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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